Sex Gaslighting

Nov 18, 2020
4 min read

Updated: Nov 20, 2020

Jay Z lyrics from break up to make up song:

”I storm in, she storm out

It's like the "War of the Roses" goin on in my house

It's a little seperation but I know how to fix the situation

Mami just sufferin from love deprevation

So I gotta give her thug reperations

Put it in the life until love leg is shakin

Slow and passionate, 'til we forget what happens.

Then we laughin and we back friends.”

Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse that's seen in abusive relationships. It's the act of manipulating a person by forcing them to question their thoughts, memories, and the events occurring around them. A victim of gaslighting can be pushed so far that they question their own sanity. “To gaslight” refers to the act of undermining another person's reality by denying facts, the environment around them, or their feelings. Targets of gaslighting are manipulated into turning against their cognition, their emotions, and who they fundamentally are as people.

Sex can be used to gaslight because often times, the victim of the gaslighting is pulled back in questioning what is real after such an emotional and physical act. Furthermore, the culprit of the sex gaslighting knows, may sense or predict that their significant other is pulling away as they become more and more entangled with their reality, sanity, value, and truths. Sex gaslighting looks like using sex as a resolution to problems that are only being masked during sex but go right back to being it’s heightened confusion, unresolved conflict and continued broken promises and lack of action towards change minutes, hours, even days after. Sex gaslighting looks like asking for ownership during the intimate act, placing claim on ones body as their own but makes them feel less validated when sex is not happening. Sex gaslighting looks like using sex conversation to get a person to change their mood, their mind as a form of distraction. Sex gaslighting is a form of manipulation when used as a one-sided agreement to avoid understanding and clarification of certain topics which a person does not wish to reveal their true intentions, or to be confronted with the discrepancies of their words and behaviors. Sex gaslighting looks like withholding sex to increase feelings of low self-esteem and feeling unattractive within the relationship so the culprit can use sex as a way of rescuing one from clarity back into confusion, denial, and dysfunction. Sex gaslighting looks like encouraging the victim to believe things are better, or in some way always getting better with sex. Sex gaslighting onset’s you’re the only one syndrome which I define as feeling and believing you are superior to other woman just because you feel most valued, validated, and vulnerable during intimacy. Furthermore, engaging in sexual threesomes, or extra sexual benefits, as a way to seduce yourself into believing the relationship illusion everything is better, or they will change but in your gut you are afraid things will be the same or know they will be the same.

Sex gaslighting is the intention to break down the barriers of someone that has started to build boundaries and become more resilient and aware. Sex gaslighting is the feel good manipulation by way of sexual intercourse to make one question terminating the relationship also blindsiding him or her from reality with affection, sex, and the facade commitment toward change whispered or said during intimacy.

Tips that you may find helpful:

Enjoy the moment(sex) but don’t forget the reality.
Own your sexuality as yours not as someone else’s to manipulate.
Set Boundaries
Nurture your awareness
Affirm your voice
Weigh real Pros and Cons
Monitor in real time changes before and after intimacy
Seek personal therapy to encourage your growth
Explore your worth and then measure it to what is being give and what your allowing
Write on a piece of paper your situation as if it wasn’t you then assess the changes, the dysfunction, and measure what has been successful and what has not.
Ask yourself the questions: Am I happy? and why? and What is making me unhappy?and Why?
Normalize the happy feeling of starting over and imagine an unknown amazing future you would have missed out on if you stayed complacent and unhappy.
If choosing to work things out, set a goal/s and a timeframe, so you don’t become a hostage of broken promises for months that turn into years.
Be optimistic about change, certain doors closing doesn’t mean new doors don’t open.
Be kind to yourself and don’t allow anything less from others.
Have necessary conversations after sex until conflict or emotional fractures are addressed and have a plan in place.
Encourage a relationship that is one that is reciprocal.
Don’t ignore patterns or red flags 🚩 around your attraction to toxic relationships from the past.
Address words and actions that do not match they are important indicators that the person may know or not know. Always speak up.
Stay positive, Rome was not built in a day and neither were your habits, patterns, and conditioning. Repetition will support what is not normal becoming normal.